What's wrong with my face?

I noticed it last week. I thought maybe it was just that I was sick and didn't feel good. Then I thought that it was the dieuretic I had been taking. So I made sure to drink more water. But still, I kept thinking that something didn't look right. Finally after standing in front of the mirror for 10 minutes, I finally figured it out. I feel like a total idiot.



I've lost over 30 pounds. Duh, at some point my face was going to start changing. I just didn't recognize myself. What a dork.

I don't think it's a phase

I've been having a lot of trouble with my son. I don't really know what it is. It's been going on for well over a year now. If I tried to list everything I probably couldn't. I'm not sure I really want to. I just know that I'm frustrated. He's very smart. Sometimes I think he doesn't let on just how much he really knows or understands. He's also very sensitive. He can go from happy and laughing to mad and screaming in seconds. The smallest things set him off. If he doesn't get his way he comes unglued. Not just temper tantrum, basic kid stuff. But yelling and throwing things. He's broken his toys and one time knocked a hole in the wall. H started buying him airsoft pellet guns when he was just shy of 5 years old. Now he's obsessed with guns. For the most part he just wants more pellet guns, but it's all he wants for christmas. A BIG pellet gun. It worries me. I didn't like it when H bought the first gun and said so, but I didn't make my voice heard the way it I should have. Now look what's happened. My son has told me that he's going to kill me on more than one occasion. I know he doesn't understand what it means and I know he's speaking out of anger and frustration, but what mother wants to hear that? He just seems to have so much anger and I have no idea how to help him. I've tried to help him tell me what is making him so angry. But it's like he's unreachable when he gets that way. Today I made him an appointment with a psychologist. I know it's more than just low blood sugar (the pediatrician's suggestion), and I know it's not just that he doesn't know how to express himself. He's my baby. I know something isn't right. I have to help him. He's unhappy and I just can't accept that. I have to do something. I have to save my son. You hear stories about these kids that shoot their friends at school and I have to wonder, is this the point where things go wrong? In ten years could that be my son? Is this the point where I lose him? I don't know if it's really that bad, or if I'm just beginning to panic.

It's becoming a theme!

Still sick. Still tired. But I am starting to feel better. Thank goodness. As I've previously stated, I hate being sick. The drain on my energy just drives me insane. I'm used to walking in the morning's and coming home pumped up and ready to clean or something. For the past week I've stumbled through the door and collapsed on the couch. I did manage to clean the bathroom though. So it ain't all bad.

My daughter just requested that I call her Gretel. Last week she was Victoria. Then Cecelia. Apparently her name is boring. What will life be like when she's a teenager?

We built a gingerbread house tonight after dinner. I just love how you buy the kit and that there's no possible way you can get it to look like the picture with the stuff they give you in the kit. (How's that for a run on sentence?) I should have just cut open the icing bags and put the icing in my own bags and used my decorating tips, but I'm still feeling lazy. It was a lot more fun this year than in the past. Now that the kids are old enough to do most of it themselves. I was able to enjoy it more. Not once did my perfectionism rear it's ugly head. It used to. A lot. I was like some horrible icing and candy dictator. I could have been a Candyland villian. I could drown little gingerbread men in icing and horrible candies that no one really likes any way. Which is probably why they get used to build the gingerbread houses. There wasn't one damn piece of chocolate in that whole kit. I want my money back.

I can't breathe through my nose

My cold is getting worse. Does anybody know of a really good decongestant? Evidently we're currently passing a cold around amongst the housemates. Goody. I just love having a cold. It's really hard to walk in the mornings when you can't breathe. I made it this morning and I'm hoping that I won't poop out before I get rid of the cold. I would hate to see what happens to the weight loss if I don't excercise. At this point if I over eat or eat something I shouldn't I have to fight the urge to go out and walk a couple of miles to get rid of it. I know it doesn't work that way, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to do it. I don't want it to turn into some sort of weird eating/excercise disorder.

I hate to sound like a whiner, but I really don't feel good. I thought I was going to avoid the cold. When my nephew got sick, after the first few days I didn't start feeling sick I thought I was safe. The germs, they are laughing at me. Kleenex is now my new best friend. One very attractive side effect is that I have no desire to eat what so ever.

Fighting off a cold burns calories right?

Oh my achin' head!

Have you seen those commericals where the person's head is so congested that their head looks like a balloon? That's about how I feel today. It started off yesterday with my throat not feeling particularly perky and by the time I went to bed last night I couldn't breathe out of my right nostril. I don't know if it's allergies, or a cold, but it sucks. Other than my head I feel fine. Tired, but fine. I managed to walk and do my workout this morning, but when I was done I wandered around the house moaning for about 20 minutes.

I did some searching on appetite supressants last nights. See I'm losing weight and that's wonderful. But I'm hungry constantly. I don't really feel full. I'm making sure to drink lots of water and eat plenty of fiber. There are just days where all I want to do is eat! I usually walk about 5 miles three days a week and the other three days I walk about 3.5 miles and do the You On A Diet workout. I usually take Sundays off just to rest. I typically eat anywhere from 1,200 to 1,500 calories a day and no more than 19 fat grams per meal. I'm supposed to be eating around 1,800 calories a day according to the Alli plan, but unless I cram it in, I just don't eat that much. Maybe I'm not eating enough? At present I still weigh over 200 lbs. Not much over, but I'm still about 70 pounds over my eventual goal weight. When I started, I needed to lose about 120 pounds. I'm only 5'4" so you can imagine. I was starting to have some major health problems. Most of them have begun to go away just with the weight I've lost so far. Which is really good. My doctors are happy and so am I. Not having to wedge yourself into your jeans does a lot for a girl.

Any way, I had a point here. I'm just wondering if I either need to A) eat more or B) take an appetite supressant to get me past the days where all I want to do is shovel food in my mouth.

Also, I gave in today and had a peanut butter cup. I've been craving one for weeks. It didn't taste as good as I remembered. So it actually put that craving to rest. I'm not really craving the cheeseburger any more either. Weird how cravings come and go. I don't really miss much, since there are tons of healthy or healthier alternatives out there. Last weekend my family bought a pumpkin and a pecan pie at Costco and I had one tiny sliver of pumpkin and haven't wanted any more. Losing the weight is hard work, but skipping the bad foods is the easiest part.

It's Sunday right?

Darn three day weekends. Throwin' off my schedule. I'm glad the kids don't have school, cause I like to sleep past 5:30 am. But it's raining and there isn't much to do inside. They are driving me insane. Billions of books, toys, puzzles, video games, and movies and they're bored. Bored! They wanted something to do. I suggested cleaning their room and they got irritated with me. Can you imagine?!

My daughter is pretty good at entertaining herself. My son on the other hand seems to need someone in constant attendance. If he doesn't have company then it's just not fun. I struggle with it because I'm such a loner. I enjoy being by myself. I could spend days sitting, reading, and listening to music. I have no problem at all entertaining myself and don't understand the need to have someone with me ALL THE TIME. It's not that I don't love doing things with him, because I do. But I enjoy my space as well. We seem to be running into a road block of finding friends for him to play with. I guess people here don't do playdates or whatever you want to call them.

He has a cousin that he plays with, but he spends two weekends a month with his other grandparents. The disappointment is tough to deal with when he finds out he can't go somewhere. That's another thing. He always wants to GO somewhere. Somewhere's usually cost money. Like toy stores or places with golden arches. That's his concept of going somewhere. He and Katie will play well together most of the time. But he likes to play army and she likes to play Barbie. So the harmony doesn't usally last for long. I love the rain, but I hate what it does to the backyard.

BTW, fellow jelly bean lovers. I found these today. SWEET!!!!

Guess where I'm at!

My brother called me this morning. From Vegas. My first question wasn't "why are you there?" But,"you didn't get married did you?" Not that I don't like his girlfriend, but it would have been pretty sudden. Not to mention given my parents a heartattack. Nope, they just up and decided to go to Vegas. Bored on a Friday night? Go to Vegas. Of course this only works if you work for an airline and can fly for free. At least it helps any way. Beats a night of beer and ping pong I suppose. Not only was this his first trip to Vegas, but it was also his first commercial flight. I would have paid just to witness that. He had to consume several alcoholic beverages just to be able to get on the plane. What a sissy.

I actually slept in this morning until just after 7am. During the week I get up at 5:30am. I like having time to have a cup or two of coffee and eat breakfast before I have to start my drill sargeant routine. I really should get myself a whistle. I wonder if it would help. Sticking my head in the door and yelling that it's time to get up doesn't seem to be doing the trick. Or perhaps a bullhorn? Something with a really loud and annoying siren. I went for my walk like a good girl. I enjoy getting out by myself and listening to my music. I love, love, love my iPod. I put off getting one for so long. Now that I finally caved and got a Shuffle, I want to upgrade. I thought there was no possible way that I would want more than 240 songs at a time. Oh how wrong I was. The more I use it, the more music I want on it. I'm addicted to iTunes. Send gift cards.

Yeah babeeeeeee!

The plateau is over. Thank goodness. I was gonna be one pissed off lady if I didn't at least lose a pound. All that excercise (walking five miles a day and yoga), and being soooo good and eating right. It's hard work. It gets easier the longer I do it, but I would still for a bacon cheeseburger. They need to have Jelly Belly's flavored like that. Bacon cheeseburgers, Cherry cheesecake, pound cake, and dark chocolater. I think I need to write them a letter.

The boys will be going home soon. My middle nephew is sick. He started pre-school this year and it seems like he's getting every virus and cold possible.

Time to go make dinner. It's hard to think straight with all this noise going on.

Pain, lots and lots of pain

If you've never had an endometrial biopsy, I highly suggest that you don't. It hurts. A lot. Not for long, but 30 seconds is long enough right. I'm glad I only have to do it once. Yikes.

I had no idea you could win prizes for successfully finishing NaBloPoMo. That's just nifty. I like prizes.

Have you ever had a ton of stuff to do and no desire to do anything what so ever? I need to put the laundry I did like four days ago away, wash and dry some more, post something, and put my kids to bed. What I really want to do is just sit on my butt and hold the couch down. I don't even want to know what it's going to be like once I start working. Crap! I need to start practicing my ten-key skills. Sounds like fun huh?

Thank goodness tomorrow is Friday. The boys will be going home in the evening and there will be some quiet. The week went by really fast. I'm stunned. Only one broken bed and no major injuries. It was a good week. The kiddos have Monday off from school for Veteran's day. So we'll be sleeping in, in honor of all veteran's. H included. He's a veteran, and he'll be sleeping in. What a multitasker!

Brace yourselves, three more weeks to go!

Smells like wet dog

Any tips on getting a 7 year old boy to shower properly? It's not like putting cheerios in the toilet to help their aim. We send him in to take a shower and he comes out smelling like wet dog, swearing that he used shampoo. Other than standing there like a shower nazi, how do I get him clean?

Another day in the mad house. It wasn't so bad today. H and I escaped to the library so I could have reading material whilst I hang around at the IRS orientation. I don't really know how much I can get away with saying, except I got a job at the IRS. I feel like I'm going to work for the dark side. I like the dark side. I'm comfortable there. Dinner was ready by the time we picked up the kids from visiting their cousin and after that it was showers and bedtime. Woohoo!! I love bedtime.

Finally all the water weight is gone. Thank goodness for Pamprin. Oh how I love thee. It really sucks to work hard and lose weight and then Aunt Flo comes to visit and suddenly your jeans don't fit. But now, due to much water drinking and some good drugs I feel like a human again. Now if I could just get that bitch to pack her bags and leave, life would be so much better.

I'm going nucking futs!

If you have more than two kids, I applaud your bravery. I just couldn't do it. When my two plus my three nephews it is utter chaos. I don't know how people do it. I really don't. It's moments like this that I'm so glad I had my tubes tied.

By the way, if you have really bad cramps, try calcium. I did some googling the other night and came across the suggestion of taking calcium for cramps. I tried it, and it worked like a charm! 1000 mgs of calcium and 95mg of potassium and the cramps disappeared. Better and faster than with advil. Supposedly it's supposed to help with bloating too, but I ended up taking a dieuretic for the bloating.

Good grief, I can't even think straight. It's like a three ring circus in here. Everybody talking at the same time. Man, talk about motivation to get a job and get our own house again. I don't know how much more I can take. I'm such a sissy.

Why do we need to know?

I'm listening to the news. They're reporting on the scandal at Oprah's school. In the report is a full detail of what the matron accused of the abuse was wearing. Why do we need to know what she was wearing? How does that have any bearing on whether or not she abused those girls? Heck, I don't even want to know if she plead guilty or not. I just want to know the end result. She was accused and found guilty or whatever. It's not like she was wearing a Dolce & Gabana gown. It's not the red carpet. It's court.

I went to the gyno for Aunt Flo today. I was told to be there at 10:30am. I actually saw the doctor at 1:30pm. Yeah. That's a whole lot of waiting. A LOT. OF. WAITING. Anywho, it looks like surgery is pretty much the only option. I could take medications, but it's only a 48% chance that they would actually do what I need them to do. Thank goodness I'm done having kids. Still kind of bums me out, but it's not like I really wanted to have more kids. Don't get me wrong, I do, but I really can't afford any more. Money wise, or physically.

I've received a job offer from the IRS. I'm interested in seeing what it feels like on the other side. I think I still actually owe them money. Oh well.

Now I'm stuck

I was going to complain about a bunch of stuff, but who wants to read that? Sometimes I'm so whiny it's just disgusting.

Does the time change totally throw off your sleep? I woke up way early this morning and now I just feel out of it. Like something isn't right. About a month ago I started waking up at 4:30am instead of 5:30am. My body was trying to tell me something apparently. Like I was late. It was the weirdest thing. Thank goodness changing the clock back an hour doesn't seem to affect the kids the way moving it forward does. I'm having enough troubles myself.

Does anyone know if Blogger will let you set future dates for posts? I have to go out of town next weekend and I know I won't be any where near a computer. I want to see if I can actually post every day this month. I'll shock the heck out of myself. We have to go finish emptying out what used to be our house (it now belongs to the mortgage company), and move all our stuff in storage to a storage where we live now. It all sounds very complicated and expensive. Very, very expensive. I hate moving. Especially more than once or three times in a year. Especially knowing that at some point we'll get our own place and move our stuff out of storage. Oy!

It's gotta be water weight, right?

Ok, I started taking Seasonique about 2 and a half months ago. About three weeks ago I started spotting. Nothing major and according to all the info, totally normal. Well things have gotten steadily worse from there. I'm afraid to go anywhere for fear of having an accident. I don't want to be stranded at Target with bloody jeans. That such a fashion faux paus. Red really isn't my color. So over the past few days I've been feeling really bloated and my jeans don't fit as well as they did last week. I've already put in two calls to my gyno and Monday morning I may just park myself at her door, cause the red wave needs to end. This is no bueno my friends. I hate having my period for a week at a time. I detest having it for weeks on end. It just sucks. So here's the question, how do I get rid of the bloating? What helps? I've never had this problem before.

Don't think because I've never been bloated before I haven't had my fair share of "female troubles." There was that whole "get the Depo shot it will totally stop your period!" Yeah, it totally started my period and it never stopped. For over a year. You wanna talk nightmares. That was it. It got so bad that at one point it stopped for 24 hours and when it started again, I damn near had a total meltdown. Finally I went to a different doctor and told him to make it stop. NOW. And lord love him, he did. If I wasn't already married I would have married my doctor. Despite the fact that he's over 60 and quite fugly. I went to a different gyno once and his whole solution to the problem was for me to have a hysterectomy. That was just a little too much for me. I'm only 30 and while I'm pretty sure that I'm done having kids. I had my tubes tied when my daughter was born. But damn. Take everything out? Yikes. At least if I completely lose my mind and decide I want to have another baby, there's the possibility.

Wow. I just wrote an entire post about my period. Sorry 'bout that. I figured I'd have to stretch for a paragraph.

Oh no she didn't!!!

Oh yes. She did. I was shopping for a necklace in Target today and I went to the jewelry counter to try one on. So as I'm standing there admiring myself and the necklace the lady behind the counter asks me, "so when are you due?" Uhhhhh, yeah. I'm not pregnant. I get it, I'm fat, but damn woman. Aren't us girls supposed to stick together and leave dumb questions like that to the guys? I wasn't really offended, stuff happens. For the love of pete people, make sure a woman is pregnant before you ask her that question. I've been pretty cranky lately, she's lucky I didn't punch her in the throat.

I also bought myself a pedometer while at Target. I want to see just how far I'm walking in the morning. I think it's about 5 miles, but I want to know exactly. I walk for an hour and a half, so I've got to at least be hitting 10,000 steps a day. I think I'm going to start doing something different on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. Some sort of strength training to alternate with walking. Maybe that's why I've hit the plateau. I'm not building or strengthening my muscles. We'll see how that works.

My nephews will be with us this week. So I'm bracing myself for the madness. Those boys are all boy. I've never seen the likes. I'm so glad my kids are laid back. I barely have enough energy to keep up with them as it is.

Grrrrrrr!

I know it's silly, but I'm just so irritated and upset. See I've been losing weight recently. 29 pounds to be exact and it's been hard, but not so hard that I've given up as I usually do. The week before last I lost 3 pounds. This week, I haven't lost a thing. Granted I haven't been as good as I should have, but I don't feel as though I made really bad choices. Still, I'm upset. It probably has a lot to do with what's been going on and stress and all, but it just would have helped keep me up if I had lost a pound even. What a bummer. I even stayed out of the Halloween candy!! Now I want to stuff a muffin in my face. I guess the only thing I can do is shake my fist and resolve to do better this coming week and try to add some additional excercise to help me over this plateau I seem to have hit.

Friday! Friday! Friday!

• My dad is taking my mom and I out for breakfast. I suspect in appreciation of not making him an accessory to murder while we were camping.

• The kids have completed their first week of school. They love their teachers and are adjusting really well to being the new kids. I'm so proud of them. They just jumped right in and didn't even want me to hang around.

• I love Californication. That show is hilarious. It is pretty risque' so if you're easily offended, it's probably not for you. But my sense of humor is pretty sick and twisted, so I like it.

• My nephews go back to their moms this afternoon for the next week. They were here for TEN days. Ten very long days.

• Tuesday was my 9 year anniversary of the day I completely lost my mind and got married. H and I exchanged high fives and told each other "good game!"

• Said about the chicken we were having for dinner by my nephew, "it tastes like beaver!" Not surprisingly my brother thought that was hysterical.

Advice please!

What would you do if someone was letting their children swim in the pool naked and you knew the kids were urinating in it constantly? The pool is a kiddie pool, not a built in and definately not chlorinated. It really grosses me out and I hate having to tell my kids that they can't go swimming because it would be like swimming in a toilet. Not that they aren't peeing in the pool when they have swimsuits on, but I'm just saying. It's gross. I'm pretty sure my kids aren't peeing in the pool. At least I hope not, they're 7 and 5. They should know better. Also, these other kids have been told it's ok to pee outside and now the baby is using my mother's flower pots as toilets. Lord have mercy! It is just pure craziness around here.

We went camping last weekend. I will say this, 5 children in a trailer can be a really rough and loud weekend. Extremely close quarters and no idea that jumping off the top bunk is really, really bad can make things a little tense. When we were out and about though, the kids had a blast. We rode the Yosemite Sugar Pine Railroad on Friday and it was really cool. I think my dad got a bigger kick out of it than the kids. Hopefully I can get the pictures downloaded off the camera soon and see if I got any really good ones. Saturday we spent the day at Bass Lake and the kids were swimming all day long. It was really nice to sit there by the water and watch the kids play and visit with my parents. That was probably the best part of the trip. I love the water. Either the ocean or a lake. I find it very relaxing. We're still catching up on our rest. Even though we went to bed every night around 9pm and woke up around 7am, we're still completely exhausted.

TGIF

One of my nephews made his own fountain in the pool the other day. Well, he was the fountain. Ewwwww!

The boys go back to their mom's this evening and my parents are going out, so the house will be relatively quiet tonight. H mentioned possibily going out to dinner. That would be nice. Even though I only have to cook maybe two or three times a week. That's one of the nice things about so many people being in the house. There's lots of people to share the cooking duties with, and the cleaning. I haven't been responsible for just keeping my room clean since I was a teenager. It's awesome!

I'm waiting to hear back about a job I applied for with the Superior Court here in town. They get all the holidays off don't they?

I have a headache, a HUGE headache

You know it's hard living with a whole other family. It's really hard when the other kids aren't being raised the same way that you are raising yours and you're trying to keep your kids from running wild. Unfortunately because of where we lived before I haven't really been around my nephews much so they definately don't want to listen to me. AT ALL. I understand it's been pretty rough for them. My brother and his wife are divorced and I'm sure everyone knows the impact divorce has on young children. Plus the boys spend one week with their mother and then one week here with my brother. All the back and forth isn't helping. It's caused a lot of confusion and makes things really hard for the boys and my parents. My parents are doing most of the work. My brother has his own set of problems, but that's a whole other post. I came home from taking Mikel and La Katie to the zoo and my brother was asleep on the floor and the older two boys were outside in the pool swimming. Naked. The pool is just a little kiddie pool, but still accidents can happen. The baby was asleep. The middle boy came in shortly after I came home and told me he was hungry. Now policy is, according to my mother, that I tell the boys to ask their dad to get them something to eat. Because really if we do it every time they ask, my brother would just live his life footloose and fancy free and wouldn't ever do anything for them. So I told him to ask his dad, who really shouldn't have been asleep any way and of course my brother told him no and didn't even attempt to get his son anything to eat. Then the baby woke up and he was hungry too! Seriously, I can barely handle my own kids. No way is having three more going to help. Plus I'm hoping that at some point my brother will get his own place and raise his kids on his own. I don't intend to live here forever either. I love my parents, I just don't want to live with them. I'd like to have my own house again. I'd LOVE to have some privacy. But I digress, it's driving me nuts. I feel bad for my nephews. To have all this crap thrust upon them. The constant change and upheaval. I have to wonder what sort of damage if any that it's doing. How must it feel to have two parents that aren't taking care of you the way they should?