I didn't know how bittersweet this would be

I heard
That you're settled down
That you
Found a girl
And you're
Married now

I heard
That your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things
I didn't give to you

Old friend
Why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back
Or hide from the light

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over

Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me", I beg
"I'll remember", you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead."
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead,
Yeah.

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday
It was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise
Of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me", I beg
"I'll remember", you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead."

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known
How bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
"Don't forget me", I beg
"I'll remember", you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead"

Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me", I beg
"I'll remember", you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead"

"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead" 


Pardon my dust while I work through this.  There may be  lots of sappy posts and much whining, but I'm never down for long.  Break ups are rough and this one hurts pretty bad. I thought I had found somebody to spend the rest of my life with and he was my best friend and now it's gone and I don't know what to do. I can't imagine going a day without talking to him much less sleeping in his arms. I don't understand what happened and I'm lost.  

I wasn't sure I was gonna make it

I started out this semester thinking I was out of my mind.  Attending two different colleges and tackling 26 units.  I thought that I could just gut it out and I would be okay.  After the first night of class and really starting to think about how much work my last semester at FPU was going to entail I realized I was taking on too much.  I didn't need the classes at FCC. So I dropped them.  That was a big weight off my shoulders, but I still had a ton of homework hanging over my head.

Friday night I almost hit a wall.  After class on Thursday night and being reminded of how much work I have to get done in the next two weeks, I just felt competely overwhelmed. I didn't know how I was going to finish it all.  I started trying to think about what assignments I could skip and not take too big of a hit on my grade.  I was tired and just didn't want to do it. 

After dropping the classes I cleared two more nights during the week and put my head down and started working my way through what was due first.  15 chapters of physical education for young children.  Ugh. It's really as exciting as it sounds I promise.  Like watching paint dry in the dead of winter.  I have two more assignments left for this class and four days to get them done.  I'll worry about the work for the other class after I finish this one.

I can do this.  Because I have to.

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel . . . . . .

The sad thing is, it appears to be moving away from me. I'm staring down the barrel of the semester from hell and I just can't work up anything close to enthusiasm for it.  I'm tired of being at school all the time.  I'm tired of having massive amounts of homework breathing down my neck constantly.  Mostly I'm tired of not being able to work full-time due to needing time for school.  This shit better pay off.  Twenty-six units this semester. Holy shit. At two different schools no less.  The icing on the cake is that I have the kids full-time again.  A weekend isn't enough time to catch my breath much less take a break.

At this point I'm so close to burning out.  I just want to run away and leave everything behind.  Go somewhere nobody knows me and start over.  Let the ex have the kids and move to another country.  I feel so buried.  It's not overwhelming, it's exhausting. 

You ever make a choice and years later think, "damn, I fucked up."  I should have taken that job when it was offered to me.  I could be in some hellhole with no indoor plumbing, covered in dirt and probably having the time of my life.  It sounded like fun. Oh well. Shoulda, coulda, woulda.

I don't know why

Don't go looking, you may not like what you find. The internet is a bitch. I shouldn't let the things I see bother me. My head knows they're not big deal, but my heart says something different. Underneath everything is fear. The fear that I a really am not good enough. Fear that my weight is the problem, even after losing over 80 pounds. I can't get him out of my head, and I hate it. It's funny how someting so small has so much power over us if we let it.

Why can't I believe the words I hear? Why is it that fear and doubt won't just go away and let me be happy? The stress, exhaustion, fear, anger, and frustration have just turned me into a grumpy bitch. How do I get rid of all this? I'm so tired.