Sunday, July 25, 2010

I don't know why

Don't go looking, you may not like what you find. The internet is a bitch. I shouldn't let the things I see bother me. My head knows they're not big deal, but my heart says something different. Underneath everything is fear. The fear that I a really am not good enough. Fear that my weight is the problem, even after losing over 80 pounds. I can't get him out of my head, and I hate it. It's funny how someting so small has so much power over us if we let it.

Why can't I believe the words I hear? Why is it that fear and doubt won't just go away and let me be happy? The stress, exhaustion, fear, anger, and frustration have just turned me into a grumpy bitch. How do I get rid of all this? I'm so tired.

Sunday, July 11, 2010


Today was a good day. We actually went shopping and nobody died. I was surprised that you noticed how much money we were spending. How far we've come, it used to be that you asked without thinking about the cost. Now you know. It made my heart glad to be able to take you shopping and buy you the clothes you wanted. There were a few rough spots, but all in all it was a successful outing. Thanks for not coming unglued in WalMart and realizing that Sunday afternoons are not the best time to shop there.



Saturday, July 10, 2010

Dearest little ones,

You're not so little any more, and I miss the days when I could sit in the rocking chair with you asleep on my chest and listen to you breathe. Now you're almost as tall as I am and I have no hope of being able to carry you in my arms again. Every once in a while I'll look at you and see the baby you were. I remember when it was just you and me and our days were filled with nothing but each other. I could afford to live my life for nothing but you. My only job was to see that you were happy. I can't do that any more and I'm more sorry about that than you'll ever possibly know. I feel like I failed you. Not just because of the divorce but because I brought you into this world thinking only of myself and what I wanted. I wanted you so badly. From the moment I knew you were on your way to me I loved you more than anything in this world. The problem is, I didn't think and couldn't possibly comprehend just what having you meant. Forgive me, I was young and didn't know any better. I want so bad to make it right.

Now our days are spent apart. I feel like I'm letting your dad and your grandparents raise you. The time we have together is spent arguing and full of frustration. I'm so sorry I'm not there. I'm sorry I couldn't make it work. I'm doing the best I can, but I feel like it's not enough. You deserve so much more. I spend the week you're gone missing you and worrying like crazy that you're not eating right, that you're too hot or too cold, that you're being taught how to live right. I've stretched myself so thin that even the time I take to spend with you I'm worrying that my homework isn't done or what else I should be doing. So much just falls to the side or gets pushed away I feel like we're only living half a life.

I'm sorry babies. I really am. But I wouldn't take it back. I wouldn't trade anything for having you here. You are my greatest pride, you're what drives me when I think I can't do any more. Know that one day soon I'll reach my goals and we'll have a place of our own. I'll straighten out this mess I've made for us. I promise you'll get your mom back and she'll be even better for the hell she's gone through to get back to you.



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