Friday, June 30, 2006

Oh my achin' back!

Note to self: make sure you have someone put sunblock on your back for you.

My friend and fellow teeball mom invited the kids and I to the new water park that just opened here in town. It's not really a water park so much as it is a very large pool with one giant water slide and an area for the little ones. The tot area was really nice. One end gradually sloped into the water and the other had a small set of steps. There is a huge structure in the middle with two different small water slides and all sorts of water activities around the outside. Water spouted from all sorts of different openings and there was even a tunnel to crawl through near the bottom by the water.

Mikel and Katie had a blast. The didn't want to get out of the pool at all. Not even when I offered junk food from the snack bar. The only time they willingly left the pool was when they had to while the lifeguards took a break. The second the whistle blew to signal break time was over they were right back in the water. Katie still doesn't like getting water in her eyes, so we'll be getting her some goggles before we go again. The one time she went down a water slide she got water all in her face and cried for 15 minutes. Mikel didn't have any problems getting his face wet, but he still doesn't want to go under water. Swimming lessons are obviously in order, and soon.

Before we left the house I slathered everyone with sunblock including myself. I forgot however to have one of the kids help me put some on my back. Oops! During break time I reapplied and had Mikel help me out with putting some on my back. Too little, too late. I'm a nice lobster red on pretty much most of my back. Now the kids are helping me put aloe vera on my back. Oy my back hurts. You could fry eggs on my back with all the heat coming off of it. Hopefully it will turn into a tan within a couple of days. It's a good thing I don't like sleeping on my back.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Maybe I'm just bitter

Oh yes, you should have seen her. I so wish taking a picture wasn't so obvious, cause it would really driven the point home. I'm speaking of the Hustler Barbie and her husband that brought their little boy to the karate lesson this week. He was wearing a Hustler basketball jersey making it evident that he plays for Team Flynt. Who doesn't right? She was wearing 5" wedgies, it looked like she was literally walking on her toes. To complete the look she wore hot pants and a halter top. Her hair was three different colors. Platinum blonde, then mixed in underneath were black and red, bright red. It was quite a look let me tell ya.

Now, I'm not one to judge and I'm not making any assumptions about their character. I'm sure they're very nice people. However, when I'm in the presence of my children and the unsuspecting public I try to dress appropriately. Notice I didn't say anything about when my kids aren't around. Then I dress like a $2 hooker on Wednesday night when business is slow. You know, the usual. Clear plastic platforms, a thong and starfish pasties. But I digress, because I love to do that. I'm somebody's mother and as such when attending family oriented functions and any other time for that matter, I dress appropriately or at least comfortably. I spend about 90% of my time in a t-shirt and jeans/capris.

My point is, there are young, impressionable children around and in this case hormonal teenage boys. We all know that they can be easily distracted. Lord knows if I had a body like hers' then I would definately dress differently than I do now. I would still dress appropriately for my age and the occasion. I'm not 18 any more, but I'm not older than dirt either. With all of the messages about body image sent by society and the media, do we really need women enforcing to our young children that it's ok to go about dressed like that in public? I'm all for freedom of expression, and I certainly don't expect to keep my children from seeing the world as it really is. But, I don't need my 6year old son asking my why that ladies chi-chies were showing. Or why her husband had his hand on her ass while walking across the gym floor.

But, maybe I'm just bitter. Because even if I lost all my fluffiness, I wouldn't come close to having a body to dress like that. I'm also short so there'll never be any chance of anyone mistaking me for Barbie. I'm also frustrated because my efforts to lose weight have as yet proven to be unsuccessful. Yep, that's it. I'm bitter and possibly jealous. Now where have Ben & Jerry gotten off to?

Monday, June 26, 2006

What were we thinking?

Early Saturday evening we decided that we would go camping in the desert and do some riding. It didn't seem like that big of a deal. We would drive out there, sleep in the back of the truck, do a couple of hours of riding in the morning before it got too hot and then come home. Ah, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions and lots of lovely places to park. You've heard that the desert cools off at night right? Not this particular patch of desert. It was 100 degrees at 2am. I think maybe it cooled down to a chilly 92 degrees some time between when I finally passed out from shear exhaustion and when I woke up because the dog and wrapped his leash around the trailer.

I have spent the night in the seventh ring of hell and lived to tell the tale. I knew I should have just stayed home with Katie and rented a kid's movie. I could have spent a snore free night with Ben & Jerry.

You may not be surprised to find out that we were the only people out there. Shocking I know. So there we are in the pitch black darkness and suddenly Katie wakes up and is deathly afraid that the bad skeletons are coming to get her. I had no idea there was a difference between a good skeleton and a bad one. Maybe not enough calcium? Mikel then informs her that there are skeletons buried every where. Thanks for the help buddy. You can be quiet now. I calmed her down and convinced her that the skeletons were not coming to get her, just her older brother. She was cool with that. More toys for her.

I never would have imagined that I would spend the night in the middle of the desert in our truck with all the windows and doors open. Something could get in right? Wild animals and bugs, oh god not bugs. I think I woke up once with a June bug in my hair. There were stink bugs every where. The kids had fun kicking them and running from the field mouse that apparently adopted us in hopes of us sharing our food. Alas, it was not too be.

There is a bathroom out there. I didn't totally rough it. Jeez people, I'm not that crazy! The bathroom is basically an outhouse with a light and a toilet to sit on that covers the huge hole in the ground. I went armed with Lysol wipes and spray. I was not messing around. That seat was germ free, I guarantee it. It worked out great for the kids, they never remember to flush any way.

I digress, because damn this is taking a long time to type and I'm getting hungry. Dh and Mikel rode for about an hour and then we packed up and got the hell out of there. It was already 99 degrees at 7am. Over night a storm front had moved in, so it was overcast and muggy for extra fun.

Oh air conditioning, how I love thee let me count the ways:
Frigid air blowing in my face.
Non-sweaty feet.
My t-shirt not being soaking wet for the first time in hours.

To answer your question, yes we are completely crazy. We purposely drove into the desert in the middle of June and expected it to be tolerable. I'd say it's about time that we had our meds adjusted.

Friday, June 23, 2006


Katie wanted to call someone on my cell phone. Actually what she said was, "I'm going to take care of your phone for you mom." Yeah, like that was going to happen. I could just see the cell bill with calls to China on there. I asked her if she wanted to call someone and she nodded her head. At this point she still wouldn't let go of the phone. I told her that I would have to dial the number for her and she reluctantly released custody of the phone. It's pink and cool looking, I can't really say that I blame her.

I knew my dh was sitting in the living room and had his cell with him, so I called him and gave Katie the phone. I handed the phone to her and told her to put it to her ear. "Who is it?" she asked. I told her it was daddy and she should say hello. She asked me if that was her other daddy. What other daddy would that be? Who does she think this mysterious other daddy is? I think maybe she thought it might be my dad. She hasn't quite grasped the concept that my dad is her grandpa. I heard dh answer his phone and her eyes lit up. "Mom it sounds just like my dad!" When I started to laugh she got mad. She's having embarassment issues lately. No laughing at La Katie! It will not be tolerated.

When I explained that it was in fact her dad, she gave the phone to me and told me to talk to him. I told dh what was going on and he said "oh, ooooookkkkkkkkkkkkk" like I was the freak in this situation. Obviously it was him. The call made perfect sense to me.

Thursday, June 22, 2006


I sat down at my computer and had what I wanted to say all planned out. Then the kids sat down at the table with me and started asking me how to spell things. Mikel asked me how to write his address. Katie asked me to help her with her workbook. Do you know how hard it is to type while trying to spell? It ain't easy. They're still talking to me and my brain is going into overload. Make them stooooooopppppp!

I know have a plan for the summer. Go to the movies in the morning, home for lunch, go to the park, and the go to the library in the afternoon. The kids were hammered last night. Dinner, bath/shower and then bed. They went to sleep, without me giving them benadryl. Shhhhhh, that last part is a secret. Wear the children out. That is my mission. Make them tired and they'll go to bed early, then I can have some peace and quiet. The only time it will be better is when dh is gone on his business trip and then I'll have the bed all to myself! I won't have to sleep hugging the edge of the bed. I can leave the french door open all night. What I wouldn't give for a vacation!

I actually managed to clean my living room today. It's clean for the moment. Tomorrow, the kitchen! It's horrifying, absolutely horrifying. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing growing in the sink or the fridge. However, I did find the pan from Katie's tea set in her room and there is an unidentifiable substance in there that has hair like Don King.

Note to self: no caffeine for Mikel after 2pm. He's positively vibrating right now.

Two loads of laundry are sitting in my living room waiting to be folded and I'm avoiding them like they're my ex-boyfried with the hairy back. I know there are women that love a hairy guy, but does anyone actually like a hairy back? Dh occasionally sprouts a hair on his back. I like to wait until he's asleep and then pluck it. It's hysterical the way he jumps. I'm going to hell aren't I?

I'm on a hair rant for some reason. While I'm at it, I hate my hair. It's frizzy and none of the de-frizzing hair products I've tried work. Every time I dye my hair the color only covers the gray for about a week and then it's back with a vengence. I'm trying to decide if I should just cut it short again and wake up with the There's Something About Mary do, or perm it and possibly have an afro. I'm all for self-expression, but I'm really not the afro havin' type.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Oh grasshoppa!

The kids started karate lessons today. Originally I was just going to sign Mikel up, but at the last minute asked Katie if she wanted to try it. She had lots of fun and now both of the kids will have something to do over the summer. One of the other boys from teeball is taking the lessons too and I get along really well with his mom. We were talking during the lesson and the woman in front of us kept turning around and giving us the evil eye. We weren't talking loudly, we weren't being rude. I think she was just hatin' cause we're beautiful.

Tonight was the team party for teeball. Again, not all of the kids showed up. Who doesn't show up for free pizza and a trophy? Why, why would you not take your child to something like that? It's sad really. Free pizza. Those two words alone brought me running. The only thing that would have made me run faster would have been free pool boys. So what if I don't have a pool?

Mikel just told me that his head is a meatball. I'm so glad he's not delusional like most men.

For some reason for the last two weeks I just can't seem to get going. All I want to do is sleep, and then sleep some more. I've been sleeping until 10 or 11am every day. Yes, the kids are sleeping that late too. They've been staying up late with dh. What is summer for any way if you're not going to rock n' roll all night and party every day? I'm on my third day of trying to finish the laundry and so far I've only gotten one load actually done. The house is a total mess and it's driving me nuts, but I don't want to clean it. It's not the lack of caffeine or ice cream, so I'm not really sure what the problem is. Maybe the visit to the doctor next week will provide some answers.

We went to the library today and got lots of nifty books. The library is starting their summer reading program again, but we missed the visit from the firemen. Damn all this sleep! I missed the firemen! I know they're hot because the fire station is right around the corner from my house. I really was hoping for a mouth to mouth demonstration. I'm a married spud, I'm a married spud.

Monday, June 19, 2006

About the title

The "home of the depressed vagina" thing, ummmm sort of an inside joke. It was a comment I made on someone else's blog and it was a lot funnier there. Any way, she replied that it should be my new tagline, so I'm going to try it out for a while.

I'm working on updating my blogroll, if I have linked to you and you'd rather I didn't, just let me know. It's probably going to be about ten miles long since I read so many blogs, but I like to help promote the people that I think are good writers.

We had a pretty low key weekend, after last weekend it was a nice change. This was dh's first regular weekend back since all the drama with his dad and then having to travel for work. Saturday we just hung around the house and didn't do much. On Sunday we took a nice drive and found a really neat fruit stand/deli type place. It was so cool, they grow all of their own fruits and veggies and make great food. We'll definately be going back again soon. Then we came home and dh BBQ'd some pre-seasoned steaks. The kids ate outside since it was so nice. I myself enjoy having a table to put my plate on, so I used the dining room table.

I've been feeling pretty lethargic, so it's time for a doctor's appointment since I'm having some other problems as well. I have a feeling that I might have diabetes, which is pretty scary since my grandma died of complications from diabetes. It took me all day to just get the laundry sorted, then I went to check on some clothes in the dryer and was about to get all frustrated and pissed off because the clothes weren't dry. I started to think that our dryer had died a sudden death, but then I realized that I hadn't turned the dryer on in the first place. Usually I find that turning things on helps. In life it's the little things that are so important.

I finally finished washing and cutting up all the fruit I bought on Friday while grocery shopping. I really don't know what I was thinking. Instead of waiting until Saturday and possibly being able to go by myself, I took both kids with me on Friday. I took them to lunch at McDonald's first hoping that it would burn off some excess energy. That was some wishful thinking. I held it together pretty well, I only threatened to ship them to Namibia twice. It was some heavy duty shopping. I went to Costco and WinCo and actually had to fold up the third seat and have Mikel climb in the truck to help me push stuff forward and stack boxes so it would all fit. I filled up the back of a suburban people. I was so happy because I really stocked up and I probably wouldn't have to go shopping again soon, but then I got home and realized that I would have to actually unload and put away all of that stuff. It was so horrible. I must have cried at least half a dozen times. I was tired, the kids were tired and I still had to cook dinner. I just finished putting all the groceries away today. Not the food, but the stuff that could wait. I need more shelves in my garage, and a freezer with a lock on it. That probably makes for a good place to stick dh when he pisses me off. He's going to be in there a lot.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

It was like having something stuck in your teeth

The waiting! The not knowing! The curiosity was literally killing me. I was almost to the point of psycho calling every five mintues until I got an answer. Thank goodness I didn't actually do that, but I really, really wanted to. Finally on last Friday just as I was getting ready to walk into the deposition for my workman's comp case, she called! The baby's momma of course. Apparently they had gone out of town and she forgot the charger for her cell phone. So not only had she forgotten to tell me that she was going out of town, but then her phone died and she didn't get any of my messages and couldn't call me. I suppose she could have used a pay phone, or a friends phone, but whatever. So I watched the little sweetheart last Friday night. Holy cow! A week ago he was just scooting around. Now that little boy is hauling some serious tushie! He was into everything. I have soooooo gotten completely attached, can you tell?

Dh got home safely on Saturday afternoon after being gone for a week on business. Things turned ugly on Sunday over a "discussion" about money and then things got really ugly and personal. I ended up taking the kids and leaving. At first I was just going to take them to the park and out for dinner. Then dh called to say he was sorry about the things he said to me and I stood my ground about not using me as his trash can and then things got fugly, really fugly. The kids and I spent the night in a motel with my cell phone off. Around 11pm Mikel asked if he could call his dad. I didn't want to keep the kids from dh,so I let him call. Long story short, we talked things out and we came home on Monday. We're going to start counseling again, but it's not anything we can't work through. Hopefully.

Thursday will be Mikel's last day off school, then I'll be home alone all day with both kids and sometimes the baby. I'm stocking up on the magarita mix and emergency flares. I'm putting a deadbolt lock on my bedroom door and putting a refridgerator in my closet. Seriously, the first day of school is my favorite holiday. I celebrate it like most people celebrate Christmas or their birthdays'. I've already counted the days on the calendar and have all the emergency exits clearly marked.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Thank You Wellbutrin

I just realized this evening that I made it through a visit from Aunt Flo without thinking about killing myself, crying several times a day, and wanting to hit my husband over the head with my cast iron skillet. This means a lot. Even the months when Aunt Flo didn't visit, I had those problems. It's like the worst form of PMS you can imagine. I finally feel like a normal functioning human being. This could take some getting used to. It's been so long that I had almsot forgotten who I was. Now I can look at myself in the mirror and smile. Even though I'm still unhappy with my weight, it doesn't send me into the depths of despair like it used to. Praise the lord and pass the medication!

The week without my husband in going surprisingly well. I discovered that making my son sit in the corner actually works as punishment. I don't make him face the corner, well only if he does something really bad. It's not that I'm against spanking, but why do it if you don't have to? He seems to be able to tolerate it and I set the timer for 6 minutes and he knows when it goes off that he can get up. I think the kids are still a little unsettled from all the upheaval of dh going out of town to visit his father and Mikel being out of school. Dh was only home for about five days before he had to go out of town on business. Mikel understands what's going on, but Katie is having a little trouble with the concept.

I'm not quite sure what happened with the babysitting. I watched the little doll once after I came back from visiting my parents and fil and I spoke with his mommy once and I haven't heard from her since. When I called to see if she needed me to babysit, she said no and then asked if that was the only reason I was calling. I'm really puzzled by what she meant by that? I miss the little guy. He was such a little sweetheart. I've left multiple messages for her and even sent her a text message. I'm just really confused about that and would like to know if I did something wrong or offended her somehow.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Shots Hurt

I took my daughter for her kindergarten admission physical yesterday. It went great, right up until she had to get her vaccinations. The TB test didn't bother her much, the shots however caused major trauma. There was much crying and yelling ow and telling the nurse to stop and that was just me. I'm kidding. She did cry for a while and asked me to get her out of there. My son was extremely helpful, he yelled "wow! it's bleeding!". Yeah, cause we needed to know that. After she recovered she found the strength to complain about the Taz band aids and the lack of more Disney princess stickers. For the rest of the day she kept reminding me to not touch her owies.

Dh has officially been gone almost three days and so far I haven't had any urges to tie the children to chairs and go hit the bars dressed as a nun. The kids are having fun helping me cook dinner and last night I gave my son's mohawk a trim. He was quite impressed that I managed not to screw it up. Kids are so easily impressed. I changed the tags on our truck this morning and my daughter was shocked to find that I actually know how to take the licsense plate frame off. Apparently she thought only daddy knew how to do stuff to the truck.

Mikel only has a week of school left. The thought of him being home all day makes me break out in a cold sweat. It's not that he's a troublemaker, cause he is. But it isn't anything I can't handle. The challenge is keeping him occupied. He's never been one to really play on his own. He will occasionally, but prefers to have company. Also he's just a little to smart for his own good. We're talking about a child that figured out how to open the door after I put the knob covers on . . . . . . before he was two years old. Seriously, I spent all day driving to every store I could think of that sold baby proofing stuff only to get home, put all the covers on, and it took him about thirty seconds to figure it out. More recently we put a locking door knob on the door to the garage because he was getting into Dh's tools and other stuff in there that he wasn't supposed to. About 20 minutes later he got a hold of the keys to our truck, went outside and used the garage door opener. Can you imagine what he'll be like as a teenager? I'm looking into renting a cell in Alcatraz.

Monday, June 05, 2006

I'm in serious trouble

I ran out of ice cream two days ago and I'm almost out of diet pepsi. This is a national crisis. Forget the border. Send in the national guard with Ben & Jerry's and crates of diet pepsi. I know what you're thinking. I'm supposed to be trying to lose weight so why am I eating ice cream. I eat the low fat kind, I swear. I recently discovered Dryer's( i think it's dryer's any way) light ice cream. It allegedly has half the fat of regular ice cream. I love the coffee ice cream. It is sooooooooooooooooooooo good. I'm talkin' have a burning hot pool boy that doesn't speak any english kind of good. You know that's some good stuff.

It's been well over 100 degrees here all week and it doesn't show any signs of cooling down any time soon. We're living on popsicles ok, some of us are living on ice cream, and iced tea. Every single fan in the house is running. I moved my laptop to the dinning room table so I could sit under the ceiling fan.

I have a confession to make. Hello, my name is Princess and I'm addicted to Myspace. I started a profile just so I could look at someone else's like a year ago and then recently one of my cousins found me on there. It's escalated so quickly that I've had to be forcibly ripped away from the computer. If I had an endless supply of ice cream, diet pepsi, and cable internet, I might never leave my house. A lot of restaurants deliever now right? You can even get groceries delivered, and think of all the money I would save on gas!!

Saturday, June 03, 2006

It's just wrong

My son's teeball game was at 3pm this afternoon in 103 degree weather. I sent my child out to play teeball in the heat. I was sweating like a virgin on prom night and I was sitting in shade drinking ice water. The other parents my have noticed if I filled the water jug with strawberry margaritas and then I would have had to share and that would have just sucked. Maybe I could have set up a margarita stand! My power hitting son managed to hit one over the fence and would have done it a second time, but the coach on the opposite team stopped the ball with his hand so we could finish the game sooner. At least that's what I keep telling myself in order to repress the urge to scratch nasty words into his car.

Dh leaves tomorrow on his week long business trip. The stripper will be here five minutes after he leaves. I already have my stash of booze hidden in washing machine outside. I'm going to be alone with my kids for five whole days. Perhaps I should have purchased a crack pipe.

Monday is La Katie's appointment for her kindergarten physical. I'm so excited about both my kids being in school I could fart rainbows. Just the thought of a potential three hours all to myself makes my head spin. It's almost as good as being given free rein inside Louis Vuitton.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

It's gettin' hot in here! So take off all your clothes

I put away laundry this morning in just my underwear and t-shirt. TMI, I know, but it felt so darn good! By 8:30 in the morning it's already in the mid-eighties and by noon it's in the high ninties to in the hundreds. I don't own a single pair of shorts because I feel that it's unfair to make the public suffer at the sight of my ultra-white, flabby thighs. I have great calves on the other hand so I only wear capris. This morning it was so freakin' hot and I was so sweaty after giving the dog a bath that I decided to put the laundry away half dressed. I was getting ready to take a shower any way. I'm avoiding turning on the air conditioner because we finally got our gas bill to go down after running the heater almost all winter. It's lovely living in the desert, really it is.

I went up north to visit my family and my fil for a week over the holdiday weekend. My fil is doing a little bit better, but is still having difficulty with his heart and with problems resulting from his stroke. It was nice to get to see everybody and we got to celebrate my father's birthday with him. It was pretty relaxing not having to keep the house clean or worrying about running errands or getting other stuff done. My brother barbequed some chicken that was soooooo good. I'll have to invite him down here to visit soon so he can do it again! I got to meet his new girlfriend and her children, they seem really nice. His girlfriend is actually a little older than me and we went to high school together. She says she remembers me, but I don't remember her at all.

Finally being back at home is always nice though. I missed my own bed and the kids having their own beds to sleep in. I don't really relish living out of a duffle bag. Dh will be traveling next week to North Carolina for his work so he'll be gone pretty much all week. After being home for only five days! That's ok though, there's always the welcome home sex to look forward to! TMI again, sorry.

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