Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Pouring my Heart Out - Bear with me, it's going to be a long post

I'm still confused.

I keep thinking about what he said, and looking for the reason why. Every time, I ask him, I get the same answer. "Nope." That's not it.

Is is possible? Could it really just be him and not me? 

Is it me going to school? No

Is it the kids? No

Did I do something wrong? No

Is it because I go to fires now? No

Does he want to see other people? No

Was I pressuring him? No

I get what he means about my family. Hell, they drive me insane. Yesterday was a prime example. I don't want to be here. I can't really blame him for not wanting to be here.

I keep looking at what happened like it's some sort of puzzle and if I just mess with it long enough I'll find the missing piece and be able to pinpoint where it all fell apart.  Like this will suddenly soothe my heart and erase the pain, the anger, and the confusion.

I knew things were rough. We're both struggling to get good jobs and move out of our parents houses.  This economy blows and California isn't particularly helpful when moving here from another state and you have certifications and whatnot that the state doesn't recognize. I know things didn't go according to plan for him, and I wasn't happy with the situation either. I could see that it made him unhappy, I could see him struggling. But I was happy with him. I thought our relationship was good.  I thought we were okay. Perhaps that's what is most confusing. I was happy with our relationship, and apparently he wasn't. And again, I don't understand why. Because I haven't been given a reason. Other than it's been building up for a while.

He still loves me, but he's not in love with me any more.

He said we can still be friends.

He doesn't know what the future holds.

He has too much to get squared away and doubling it is not possible. Meaning us staying together isn't possible.

He doesn't want a relationship. 

He hasn't deleted the friendship on Facebook. He still as far as I know follows me on Twitter.  He still reads this blog, as far as I know. All this is confusing too. But then again, I haven't deleted him either. I'm scared to take that step. To delete his number from my phone, which is what I really should do. So I can stop texting him expecting him to give a different answer. Don't get me wrong, I'm not obsessively sending messages. I've tried to keep it to the bare minimum as we separate the few things we had together. I don't know if it's habit that keeps me wanting to talk to him. He was my best friend and now that's gone.

I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. I really did. 

I told him that I can't be his friend right now. He hurt me, he hurt my kids and really confused them.  Seeing his name, his face, even him responding to me gives me hope where I shouldn't have it. It makes me think he MIGHT change his mind, and it really looks as though he won't. 

Which brings me to this, I know I've heard this quote before, I just can't remember where. So if you recognize it, let me know where it's from.  "You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months over analyzing a situation.... or, you can just move the fuck on!" I know what I need to do. I need to just stop and take a deep breath, put on my big girl chonies and move on.

Once I get through tomorrow, when he brings back my treadmill, I should be able to do that. I just hope I can hold myself together while he's here and not turn into a psycho, or worse yet beg him not to leave.


Shasta said...

Its is super hard! I went through this with my ex, in the end we couldnt be friends, if hurt me, and still 3 years later i think about him, i was with him for 4 years...he was a huge part of my life. I didnt have kids at the time, i think that is even harder. Try to keep your head up, this may be a new door opening up for you , you never know.

Destiny said...

I know how you're feeling and what you're going through. In my situation I sat and cried and cried because it all didn't make any fucking sense...I wasn't the clingy gf, he went out with his friends, I went with mine, we went all together, we had fun, the works! and then one day he left. My heart shattered and all I could think about was wtf is my love not good enough!? Am I not good enough? Time passed and I mean months and I knew he would realize how fucking awesome I was (at least I hoped) and sure enough he did and he wanted me back, but by that time it was too late...the wounds healed over and my heart was back together. You WILL be fine hookerr and even though shit is chaos right now and it seems like nothing makes sense in time there will be an aha moment for you :) and all will be lifted...shit balls I sound like I'm a god or something...all will be lifted you bitch! LOL ;) Love ya whore bag!

shellthings said...

Oh girl. I used to need that time to think it over and analyze it forever before I could decide to move on. Sorry you are going through this!

Rachel said...

I doing a little better each day. I think writing this post and getting it out helped.

Rachel said...

Lol. I'm just gonna do my thing. Shrug, shake my head, and get on with my life. I got beer to drink!

Rachel said...

I tend to over analyze. Better to just let it go at this point. I have a lot going on and can't afford to be distracted.


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