What was I thinking?

12 units for Fall semester, working a whopping 9 hours a week, three hours of lab a week, and homework! I must have lost my damn mind. This is only the first week of class and I'm already freaking out. I'm not going to have time for anything. I will not have a life for the next three and a half months. Seriously I hope I only have one more semester until I finish, because I don't know if I can keep this up. This sucks!

Whatever

I can't believe that I've neglected my blog for so long. I guess with everything else that's going on, it just gets pushed back. Plus someone that knows me found my blog and while I've always felt that this is my space to say whatever I wanted to, knowing that someone I knew was reading it made it feel like I couldn't say what I wanted to. I know some people consider some subjects sacred and that they just don't talk about them. But this blog is about me and if can't write about me and my true feelings, then what is this space for? So, the short version is that I'm getting divorced and I had posted a couple of times regarding that. I had to take them down, due to this person finding my blog. I really wanted to write about my feelings about the divorce and the problems I was having with my kids and I don't think I've figured out how to do that without dragging them into it. My kids or my ex-husband. I don't want to use this space negatively. So please pardon my dust while I remodel and figure things out. The enteries my be utter nonsense for a while until I get my thoughts straight.

Interesting Info.

I found this article on one of the message boards I participate on. I think any one who weighs in regularly will find the information helpful. Stepping on the scale and not seeing what you want to see can be frustrating and depressing. The scale is not always your best friend and sometimes it outright lies to you! I only weigh myself once a week and I do it first thing in the morning at the same time every week. So far it's worked out pretty well for me. I also take my measurements every week so that even if I can't see that I'm getting smaller, the tape doesn't lie! Have a good weekend, go out and do something!

Something new

I want to try and get back to the original reason I started using the blog. I've lost about 60 pounds and done a ton of research. I want to put all the stuff I found out there so hopefully someone else can use it and hopefully lose weight or adopt a more healthy lifestyle. I list books that I've read and products that I've found that are either food or supplements. I'm not being paid by anyone to write about any of it. I just want to share what has helped me in the hopes that it will help someone else.

So, that being said the first nifty find I want to share is the Lipton green tea To Go packets. They come in several different flavors are sugar and calorie free. My favorites so far are Blueberry Pomegranate and Mandarin Mango. I add a packet of splenda to it, cause I like it a little sweeter, but it does taste good without. You just add the packet to a 16.9 ounce bottle of water and away you go. If you're looking for away to drink more water this will definitely make it easier. Not to mention green tea is great for your metabolism. Drink up!

The original reason

The original reason for my blog title was because I needed to lose weight. I was having massive health problems. Problems with my back, my knees, my feet, not to mention my liver, high blood pressure and near diabetes. I made several half assed attempts to lose weight. I'd lose 10 or 15 pounds and then the weight would stop coming off and I'd give up and then gain it all back plus a little more. Finally when we moved back to Fresno and got medical insurance, I had to go in for a physical. When I stepped on the scale the numbers almost gave me a heart attack. 238 pounds. I'm 5'4". I went right past fat and straight into morbidly obese. I wasn't chubby. I wasn't pleasantly plump. I was morbidly obese. I was 110 pounds over my ideal weight for my height and age. I was in candidate for gastric bypass territory. So I went home and decided that I had to do something. I was pushing 250 and I completely refused to go up another size. I was wearing a size 20. So I cut out fast food and started taking Alli. I followed their meal plan and took the medication as per directions. I started walking. EVERY DAY. For miles. I worked my way up to 4-5 miles a day. The weight actually came off pretty fast. I haven't lost it all, but I'm more than half way there. I've lost 60 pounds. That's more than my daughter weighs. I can carry her now and not be totally out of breath. Eventually I added in strength training and that has helped a lot too. I can feel my muscles underneath the fat and they are actually starting to become visible. It's awesome. I've done a lot of research. Over the next few posts, as I can manage them, I'll write about the books I read, and the websites I've found that really helped me. Hopefully I can help someone else to get to where I am and make a difference in someone's life.

Donate Please!!!!!!!!!!

Not to me. Although if you really want to, I won't stop you. On my sidebar is a nifty little doohicky from BlogHer. It's called GlobalGiving and it's raise money for programs for women around the world. So please give if you can. It's an awesome thing to do. Us women have to stick together. Help a sista out won't you?

Nice

So much for April! I blew it already. I have a good excuse. Several actually, but I can't really say. I doubt anybody cares all that much any way. I'm not starting a pity party, I'm just sayin'. I have a six page paper due for class and I'm struggling. Better to write for class than write a bunch of nonsense that doesn't get read much any way. This last week I had three papers to write for class, plus the six pager, so you can understand that I've been busy. The kids had TWO weeks off for spring break and that threw a huge wrench in the works. The first week was cool, but the second week was awful. From the moment they woke up there was much whining, fighting, and running about the house like their asses were on fire. Kids are great. Now that they've been back to school for a week and a half, things aren't much better. We had a busy, busy weekend. My cousin got married and Sunday was my mom's birthday, and we went to a bbq at my sil's house. I think this weekend I'm going to do not a damn thing.

B

Boy do I have a lot of work to do. I have three papers to write in the next three weeks. One of which has to be six pages long. I really need to buckle down and get to work. I hate waiting until the last minute and I'm getting down to the wire. I still have an A in the class and if I can keep it, then I don't have to take the final.

I got my Sweeney Todd dvd in the mail yesterday. I just love that movie. It's so cool. Tim Burton is an awesome film maker and Johnny Depp, HELLO!!! I had good taste even as a youngster. I've liked him since he was on 21 Jump Street.

I found a really cute dress for my cousin's wedding. It's a junior's extra large. I haven't been able to shop in the junior's department for a very long time. The dress fits and I look great in it. As I was shopping and looking at all the cute clothes, most of which I still can't fit into. Instead of looking at a cute shirt and thinking that I'll never fit into it, now I look at it and think in a few months, that shirt is MINE!!!!!!!!! I'm getting there. The last two weeks have been rough because I haven't been working out nearly as much as I should and I just haven't had it in me for the strength training. But I'm still walking as much as possible and watching what I eat. So I'll get all the way back on track within the next week.

A

A is for absolutely frustrated, beyond belief

A is for awesome, someone's going to give me money for school!!!!

I got some totally awesome news today. A woman from the child development department at my school called today. It seems that I qualify for a grant. I go for my orientation on Thursday. I applied for financial aide, but it's iffy because of how much money we made last year. Nevermind that we're not making any money right now. Of course I havent' heard from the school's FA department yet, so things could still go my way. I'm gonna make it!!

Happy Easter

Enjoy your day. Find lots of eggs. Eat too much. Get an enormous sugar high.

Why is it so much work?

Is Easter supposed to be this much work? I'm not even cooking tomorrow and I've still got tons to do.

• hardboil eggs for dying
• dye eggs
• fill plastic eggs for hunt tomorrow
• fill the kid's easter baskets
• do a load of socks and chonies
• cook dinner
• write a paper for class

Actually, that's not that much. Not bad. Have a happy Easter everybody.

I did it!

I did my weekly weigh in this morning and to my great surprise I lost another 3 pounds. I have lost a total of 57 pounds. This puts me past the half way point. I only have 53 pounds to lose. I can say "only" because I've already come this far. I never even thought I'd make it. I've rounded the corner and can see a pair of skinny jeans at the end of the tunnel. I haven't been at my current weight since before Katie was born. In case you don't know, Katie turned 6 in October. Over 6 years. I'm now two pounds away from a weight I haven't seen in almost 8 years. It's wonderful. I could go out right now and buy a pair of size 14 jeans. A size that I haven't worn since just after Mikel was born. Mikel just turned 8.

It feels incredible. All the hard work is paying off. Each time the scale drops is just more motivation to keep going. My cousin is getting married next month. I need to go shopping for a dress and for the first time, in a loooooooong time, I'm excited about going shopping for clothes for myself. I might actually have fun.

Next I'll be running with scissors

Now that I've blown it and missed a couple of days I'm going to throw caution to the wind. I'll run with scissors while eating a lollipop. That's just how I roll.

My parents, my brother, and his kiddos left for the desert today. The whole house to ourselves for three days. Now that's a happy Easter.

My kids get two weeks off for "spring break". They had three weeks off for Christmas. It's anarchy in the Central Unified district. We know how to par-tay here in the central valley folks. That's not a crime spree, those are my relatives.

I just finished reading Rhett Butler's People. It was really interesting to read the story from Rhett's point of view. Being a HUGE, lifelong, Gone With the Wind fan I was skeptical, but pleasantly surprised. As with the other sequel/whatever you want to call it (Scarlett), it was like a continuation of the original. Margaret Mitchell would be proud. Although as I understand it, her estate must approve of the books/writing/authors. I can't say that I'd want a remake of Gone With the Wind, but movies of the two newer books would be interesting. I don't know if they could ever top Clark Gable and Vivien Leigh. It just doesn't get any better than those two.

Well there goes my shot at a prize

I can't believe I missed another day! Oh well. Happy late St. Patrick's day. I wish I could say that I was off drinking lots of green beer, but I wasn't. I was glued to my couch watching Dancing with the Stars. I think Adam Corolla is going to go home first. He looked so uncomfortable. Steve Guttenberg looked like he was having such a good time that I totally overlooked his mistakes. Priscilla Presley scares me. She looks like a plastic surgery nightmare. Does her face even move any more? Cheek implants and botox have not been kind to her. Yikes. Unfortunately American Idol wins out tonight, so I'll be missing the ladies, or at least most of them. I hope they do better than the guys. Go girls!!!!!!!!!!

Don't send the cheesecake just yet

I think I may have turned the corner. I can successfully breathe out of one of my nostrils today. I hate breathing through my mouth. It just bugs me. I'm weird like that.

Today is Mikel's birthday. He's 8 years old. Ok, maybe the cheesecake wouldn't be such a bad idea. I'm the mother on an 8 year old. Frankly I'm amazed we made it this far. He's still alive and healthy. How 'bout that huh? I will say in the last few weeks things have started to turn around. He's been seeing his therapist for about 6 weeks now and while he hasn't been willing to talk to her much, the things she's been able to help me with have made a difference. He's been diagnosed as having ADHD. Which would certainly explain why he bounces off the walls. She hasn't recommended any medication and thinks that there are things we can do for him without resorting to that just yet. I'm relieved. I'm not sure H would go for medicating our son. Of course he needs to be medicated himself, but that's a whole other post. Any hoo, we had Mikel's party last week and it was great. Lots of friends and family. I made an awesome army cake. Mikel helped with the decorating. He was quite proud of himself, I was too.

Happy birthday Mikel, many happy returns.

That's it

I've caught the plague. If you don't hear from me tomorrow, send cheesecake.

It's about dang time!

Finally! I weighed myself yesterday and it said the same damn weight it's said for the past three weeks. So when I went in this morning for the official weigh in, imagine my surprise when it said I weighed two pounds less!!!! I don't know what made the difference. I decided to just not care and I knew that I would eventually start to lose weight again. I tried to eat a little more and just barely made it over 1600 calories. Who would have thought that you would have to work to eat more than 1600 calories? Isn't that just the craziest thing you've ever heard? I even ate fast food. Crazy huh? Taco Bell, Subway, and Panda Express. Of course I can't just go in and order whatever I want, but I still get to eat at some of my favorite places. I feel so much better now. I was really beginning to get pissed off.

Happy Friday everyone!!

I wish I could eat

and

and

My body part?

The other day I grabbed Mikel for a hug and held his head to my chest. The upper part of my chest to be exact. He told me not to hug him like that because his chin was touching my "body part", meaning my breast. I just thought it was so funny that he didn't use a different word.

I've gone four weeks at the same weight and I'm passed frustration and moving full speed ahead to pissed off. The only thing I can think of is that I'm not eating enough. The problem is, I'm not hungry. I don't want to force myself to eat, but I want to lose the rest of this weight. I'm about half way through and some sort of progress would be nice. I don't think I need to excercise any more. I walk for an hour every day and three times a week I do a half hour of strength training. My measurements haven't changed so I don't think I'm losing fat but gaining muscle. I lost, unfortunately my fat is not.

I wish I was

• on a beach
• enjoying the sun
• with a frosty beverage in my hand
• reading a good book
• chowing down on some awesome food
• listening to good music

If anyone is going to Jamaica any time soon, I fit in a suitcase.

I'm tired a lot

I wonder why that is. I've gone to the doctor and had all kinds of blood work and tests done and believe it or not, I'm exceptionally healthy. My liver enzymes are back to normal, cholesterol is good, blood pressure is perfect, and my blood sugar is good. My thyroid is normal. I take all my vitamins and excercise 5-6 days a week. So I'm still not sure why I'm so dang tired all the time. Last night I tossed and turned all night long, until about 4am and then Katie woke me up at 4:45am because she wanted goldfish. Somewhere around here on the page, the bottom I think is my weight loss ticker. I've lost 52 pounds. So, I should be feeling better right? My doctor thinks it's stress. I think if I get any more stressed one day I'll fall asleep and wake up ten years later.

Oops!

I missed a day. Birthday parties and a dozen hyper children will do that to ya. The party was great. If we are unfortunate enough to still be living with my parents when Katie's birthday comes around again we'll be going to Chuck E. Cheese. My parents are entirely too anal about how their house looks. A gang of 8 years old really doesn't care if the lawn has been mowed or if the shelves were dusted. They spent the whole day cleaning. Personally, I make sure the clutter has been removed and any obvious dirt is cleaned up and save the real cleaning for after the party. You still have to pick up once everyone leaves any way. Why clean twice? I did manage to take pictures this time! Cake and all. Hopefully I can actually manage to get them on this computer and posted at some point before his next birthday.

Partay

We're having Mikel's birthday party tomorrow. His birthday is actually next weekend, but he has three baseball games then, so the party comes first. We have our priorities in order. Party, presents, and cake come before athletics. Maybe I'll actually get to take some pictures. I don't have any pictures of Katie's last birthday party. I was busy running around like a maniac. I don't think I even sat down to talk to any body. It was crazy. For extra fun tomorrow we're having twice as many people over as we did for Katie's party. If you never hear from me again I was tragically killed in a bizarre cake decorating accident.

Things I love about my kids

1. Their soft, squishy cheeks
2. Their ability to sleep through the night
3. When they clean up their room
4. Their necks (except my son's right after baseball practice, STINKY!)
5. My daughter's tiny little ears/hands
6. My son's big hugs
7. Their laughter
8. Their ability to sleep through the night
9. They're darn good kids
10. They're so dang smart (I'm not sure I had anything to do with it either)
11. They way they both snore
12. Katie toots whenever she coughs or sneezes. (it's cute now, but that will change)
13. Mikel can make himself a cheese sandwich

Things I'd rather be doing right now

1. Anything else
2. Moving to Jamaica
3. Hiring a nanny
4. Hiring a tutor
5. Building a dungeon
6. Having my nails pulled out with rusty pliers
7. Setting my hair on fire
8. Drinking gas and pissing out a fire
9. Being run over by a truck hauling bricks
10. Being drug over hot coals
11. Being covered in honey and then covered in fire ants

Things I bought today

1. gas
2. Deadly Deceptions by Linda Lael Miller
3. lunch at Panda Express
4. cake mix for Mikel's birthday party
5. #8 candle for Mikel's birthday cake
6. Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett (I got this from the library and then lagged on reading it and couldn't finish it by the time they wanted it back and somebody else requested it, so I had to give it back. So I gave in and bought it which was what I wanted to do in the first place. Darn Oprah and her book club!)

Things I wished I had done today

1. Moved to Jamaica
2. Made margaritas
3. Won the lottery
4. Got a pedicure
5. Lost 58 pounds
6. Slept in until noon
7. Hired a housekeeper

My brain is mush

I drove 6 hours yesterday, moved a storage unit and a half into a truck, drove 6 hours back today and unload a truck. I'm so tired my eyelashes are sleepy. We couldn't fit all of our stuff in the truck, so at some point we'll be making another trip. But at least the bulk of our house is now local and accessible. I'm going to shower now and pass out for at least two days.

Wow! I completely skipped February

I had this big plan to post all about my birthday and other stuff and then, I'm not exactly sure what happened. Any who, I signed up for NaBloPoMo again, cuz' they've done and gone monthly on us. That's right, it's not just for November any more! Maybe this will keep the fire lit under my tush. I have to get moving, literally. I'm moving my house out of storage in Hemet to storage in Fresno. Those of you that live in California may know that there is a six hour trip in between each of those cities. We're leaving today and comin' home tomorrow. I'm just all kinds of excited. Mikel started baseball pratice and we're trying to get LaKatie into a flamenco dance class if the instructor will call us back. I went back to school to get my degree in child development. I'm glad I started with one class. It's harder than I thought it would be. I just took my first test. Coffee's done, gotta go! Everyone enjoy their Saturday!

Hey! Look!

More than one post in a week. I'm such a trendsetter. While not having to work has taken off some of the pressure I'd still like to torture my husband and then rub salt in the wounds. He drives me nuts. My friend offered to let us move in with her. That was a fatal error. HUGE mistake. H took that as a cue to begin packing. Uh . . . . . no. I love my friend. That's why I won't move in with her. She has two kids of her own. That's still a lot of kids in a much smaller house. Probably still not a good idea. H was really pushing it, in spite of my objections. Red flag huh? I know his intentions are good, he thinks that getting us out of this house will fix everything. But it won't. We need our own house and extensive therapy, and lots of drugs. Yesterday I saw my counselor for the second time. We discussed this (not) possible move of ours and (yes! sweet! dude!) she agreed with me, that's it's not a good idea and we would just be moving our problems to a new place and potentially ruining a friendship in the process. H wasn't happy about it, I could see tell by the look on his face, but tough titty. My purveyor of mental health also told me that I'm not to be the go-between for my parents/brother, and my husband. If they have something to say to the other, well then they can just put on their grown up chonies and actually have a conversation with that person instead of putting me in the middle of it. Hallelujah! Amen! Could you please pass the collection plate? No change making. That's just tacky.

Bummer

I guess it's a good thing I didn't make a resolution to post more often this year. You can see it's not really working out. Suffice it to say that I bit off way more than I could chew. I started school. I'm going to get my teaching certificate so I can teach pre-school. Then I was supposed to start my new job, and I did, but that's where the wheels came off. I haven't worked in two years. I hurt my back at work and am pretty limited in what I can do now. So I got this seasonal job and thought I would be cool with it. Then I actually had to go, and I wasn't cool with it. I totally fell apart. Like break-down fell apart. I just couldn't handle it. I don't know why, but this big black hole opened up beneath me and I fell all the way to the bottom. Depression and anxiety are things I've dealt with pretty much my whole life and the months preceding this were some of the best I've ever had. Life is filled with ups and downs. The last up was a long one, and now I'm down. Hopefully not for long. But this marks a return to the medications I thought I could do without. A return to therapy I didn't really want. I thought I was doing so good. I thought I could just live life like I was a normal, happy person. Turns out I thought wrong. I wonder if I'll ever be able to go back to work.

I don't wanna go!!!!!!!!

I start training for my new job in a week and a half. It's been over two years since I've actually had a job. I'm a little nervous, but mostly I just don't want to give up all the time I have. It's nice being home all day and being able to get laundry and house cleaning done while the kids are in school. Plus run other errands without the constant begging for toys or other stuff. I could go shopping by myself and actually enjoy it. What I won't miss is not having any of my own money. As much as I like staying home and as much as H tells me that I don't need to ask for money, I still feel as though it isn't mine. I want some that it just mine. I'm sure that once I get back into the swing of things it will be nice to get out of the house and be surrounded by adults. Plus the training is only two weeks and then it could be a month to two months before I get called back for full-time work, and it's seasonal. I'll be going back to school in the summer to finish getting my AA. Being back on campus made me realize what a snot I was back in school. All these little punks running around fresh out of high school made me feel like a grumpy old lady. Here I thought I was hip and all that.

*Warning* Four letter word post!!!!!!

Ok, I moved back in with my parents in July. Our house was in foreclosure and we had no where else to go. So, in August I started on my current diet and have lost quite a bit of weight. Well my weight loss had kinda stalled so I started elminating refined sugar from my diet. I searched and searched for ice cream that was low fat and had no sugar added. I found some Dryer's ice cream bars that are really, really good. Well my mom saw them and said she was going to try one. She's trying to lose weight too, but isn't being nearly as serious about it as me, and we have TONS of low fat desserts in the freezer. Any way, to get to the point, the woman is eating all of my low sugar desserts and it is driving me insane!!!! I don't know why it pisses me off. But it does. Like no other. I just wonder why she can't eat the low fat stuff and leave my shit alone. If she was being totally serious about dieting and excercising then I'd probably be ok about it, but she's constantly scarfing down candy or going out to eat with my dad and then complaining that she's not losing weight. Hello!!!!! It's probably all the damn junk food and fast food you're eating. Seriously, every time I see her eat one I want to scream and rip it out of her hands. I really don't want to say anything because I'm living in her house and I'm not paying rent, but it really fucking pisses me off. And besides that she'll steal all the damn frozen meals. I'll get something I like for myself and I'll go out to get it and she's taken it to work for her lunch! It's making me crazy. It really is. I'm over here working my ass off to lose weight and giving up all kinds of stuff and she's half assing it and eating my shit! Normally I have no problems with my mom and we have a great relationship. But I am seriously biting my tongue over here and I needed to vent.

I don't make resolutions

I never keep them any way. I'm already eating healthier. I'm already excercising 5-6 days a week. I don't think making a resolution at the beginning of the year makes any difference in whether you keep it or not. I made a resolution to lose weight in August and have actually managed to keep that one, so maybe it's just the time of year for me.

The kids go back to school on Monday. Yipee!!!!! It's been a nice three weeks. I enojyed not having to get up early, but I think even the kids are ready to go back.

Happy New Year

I stayed home, by myself for new year's eve. Well, my mom hung out with me a little, but H and the kids were over at his uncle's house. They got home around 11pm. Neither of the kids made it to midnight. Heck, I barely made it to midnight. For once I didn't watch Dick Clark. I watched the third Pirates of the Caribbean movie. It was kind of disappointing for me. I thought it would be better. That's not going to stop me from buying it and watching it several times. I also rented the newest Harry Potter movie and I'll hopefully watch that tomorrow. I think that's the only book that I didn't read.

Today we went out to my aunt's house to celebrate. It's been really great to be seeing so much of my family since we've been back. I've really missed them. I made a total pig of myself, but I'm climbing back on the wagon tomorrow. The holidays were pretty tough for me. I didn't gain any weight back, but I didn't lose any either. Hopefully now that it's over I can get rid of all the junk food in the house and get back on track. I'm trying the glycemic index diet. I feel so much better when I'm not stuffing myself full of sugar.

Happy new year. Let's hope that this year is better than the last!